today is Wednesday. i take the long way home and drive slowly when i pass your house. i imagine you, still sitting on your blue couch, in your blue shirt, with your loud blue oxygen tank. i imagine the tv playing some random talk show that i’ve never heard of before, and your cat cuddled in your lap. you’re still there- putting together that puzzle you bought because it reminded you of me. in my dreams, you finish it. it’s not left waiting to be solved.
you’re still there, making banana bread in your kitchen and trying to get me to eat another piece. on your hard days, you still end up crying at the dinner table while we eat our sandwiches, and i can still feel my throat close while i hold back my tears.
on your good days, we laugh and we tell each other stories that will live in my memory forever, and i am reassured that our love can outlive any distance. we are infinite.
in my dreams, i can hear you laughing as you try and help me fit all my hair inside of my cap. i can see your smile all the way from the field as i graduate. in my dreams you make it, god gives us enough time.
as i drive past the empty house, i’m still realizing that the good days are often harder than the bad days. in my head, you’re still smiling and telling jokes that only we can understand. you’re still illuminating that hospital room where you spent your last days, and you’re still captivating everyone’s attention with your radiance. somewhere we’re still eating chocolate cake on your bed and making an innocent mess.
i can still feel your arms wrapped around me and my head pressed against your chest. i can still hear your heart beating and working vigorously for more moments like this. i can still see your hands shake and grip onto mine, and i can still feel how tightly you held onto me. i know that you didn’t want to let go.
but you had to go, your mother was waiting to see you, to hold you. the daises were blooming and there was a whole new world waiting for you, waiting for you to come home.
but, in my dreams, i never got the phone call. i never put my head on your silent, calm chest. in my dreams, you always hold my hand back.
in my dreams, you’re still here.
and it’s like you never left.